Taking Ownership of Your Physical Handicap

For the last month I have been working as a paraprofessional at a high school. I have worked with children and teenagers for years in various settings but the severely handicapped population was new territory. Last year I gained experience in the ESE program as a substitute teacher but most of that experience was in the autism department, and these students were more functional with every day life than the students I work with today. When hired I was told that the ESE department at the school I work at was predominately severely handicapped. In my mind I wondered why this school had a large number of this population more than the other schools that I had subbed at prior. However, I was excited to have the opportunity to gain experience because my future ministry is greater than I know.

My first day in class I was in culture shock. The students I have the privilege of working with every school day are all in wheelchairs (minus one student), are nonverbal and have a host of needs that have to be taken care of through the day (i.e changing diapers, feeding...ect). Even though they are physically handicapped they each have strong individual personalities that make you fall in love. It took me a few days, but it was not long before I had personally connected with each of these students.

Fast forward a month and I love what I do! God has been teaching me about love, patience, care and most of all about myself. In this past month, I have grown closer to God in a way that no one will understand. I have been in a funk for so long but slowly I am gaining passion once more. I believe with everything in me that God is using this time to build my toolbox because I am going to be able to use this experience in the church setting as a kids minister. There are kids that come in the church that need a safe environment that have these same special needs and so often the church has failed at providing that environment for them. I am excited for what God has in store because there is a passion stirring in me and when the door opens at His time God is going to do something new.

A student of mine who is in a wheelchair and like I said earlier nonverbal is one of the happiest people you will ever meet. This student always has a smile on their face and it easily brightens the room. One day I was talking to this student and telling them how much love the Lord has for them. After talking to this same student I began to ask questions such as "Squeeze my hand if your favorite color is blue?". I went through an entire list of questions like the above mentioned list and there was no response besides a smile. I preceded to ask "Do you know that God loves you? If so squeeze my hand?" Once I asked that question the student grabbed my hand and squeezed and had the BIGGEST grin on their face. It took everything in me not to jump out of my seat! I asked another list of questions and no response but once I got to that question again I had the same response.... a simple, beautiful squeeze of the hand. It hit me then and there that although these kids may be physically handicapped and are unable to do much...their spirits are not! Their spirits understand and their spirits are connected to God.

Have you ever felt that you were physically handicapped? That something in you was holding you back from connecting to God? I have been there! I have been in this funk where I have allowed my flesh to eat at me and it was destroying me. During worship, I felt distracted. In my prayer time, I couldn't focus! Trying to read the bible for any period of time seemed impossible! My handicap has always been a life of distractions. But i'm living proof today that when we feel physically handicapped we should never let that stop us from being spiritually strong. Today I am on a bible reading plan (Read the Bible in 90 Days) and I have a partner to discuss it with every single day which has helped me stay focus. Today I am writing, which I haven't done in so long. Today, one step at a time my physical handicap of distractions is being overtaken by my Spirits capability of clarification. I am not bound by disorder but rather spiritual disciplines that will guide my life. I take ownership of my life and I claim the victory.

Heb 12:1  Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.


                              What is your physical handicap and what are you doing to own it?

My Poison

"I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to live with bitterness and unforgiveness. I like to say it's like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. And it really is that harmful to us to live this way." - Joyce Meyer

"Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost."- Terry Brooks

It's been a long time since I've written and I guess the time to write is now. I lay in my bed crying, because as much as I have ignored it, pretended it wasn't there and that I was "fine" I am realizing that I am full of bitterness and hurts that have put a wall up between me and God. I don't like getting hurt and typically I'm a very forgiving person. But there's some things in my life that I haven't let go of, I haven't had peace about and I haven't had reconciliation. One thing about bitterness is that it eats you alive. It keeps you prisoner and grips your heart so tight that seeing beyond the hurt and pain is difficult. It damages the heart, the mind and the soul. 

But bitterness can be healed. It can be stopped.

I have a journey ahead of me and I'm broken before Christ. But it's time to get my joy back. It's time to get my peace back. It's time to get my life back. There are times the church may have failed me.... But Jesus never has! There are times my family has failed me, but Jesus never has! There are times my friends have failed me.... But Jesus has always been true. I have to stop being afraid and allowing my past to dictate my future.  For those who have left my life, I have to remember that Gods plans and purposes are greater than I can see. For those who haven't believed in me, I have to remember that I can't allow them to keep me from the future of success that God has planned out for me. 

I  have a lot of work to do.... And the hardest part is taking the initiative to talk to those you have bitterness towards and allow yourself freedom by extending the Grace of Jesus to them even though you're hurting. 

The time is now. I am no longer a prisoner. I have been set free! Who are you holding bitterness against? Take a deep breath and just release it to God, it will allow you to really breathe again.

Time to Soar

Today is Valentines Day, a day where we are told to "love one another" and to "show" this through some act or material possession such as flowers, chocolates or a card. I am a huge supporter of loving others and showing them you love them through the little things but having a special day to do that kind of takes the joy out of it for me personally. Love shouldn't be an emotion you show on a certain day, love should be an action that you practice with your life.

I have been learning about love and how to truly love other and I'm not just referring to romantic love. Love is a word that we throw around like a sack of potatoes and most people don't even know what love, selfless love really looks like. I was talking with a friend (okay, honest moment? I was petrified and I didn't say anything.....He talked the entire time) about this topic and it's been stirring in my heart since. Not only because of the season but because I see so many people hurting because of "love". I see so many people broken because of "love" and I've come to the conclusion that love will overcome because love conquors all. No matter what is done, love wins out every time. Because love is not about what you feel, love is not about what you do, love won a long time ago when love sacrificed His life on the Cross for you. There have been so many definitions and so many descriptions of love and honestly the best definition of love is seen through the Cross. We see perfect Love displayed by Jesus selflessly giving His life so that we could be saved. We see perfect Love displayed so that we could have a relationship with our Creator. True love was never easy, I mean I don't think Jesus dying on the Cross was necessarily an easy task for Him. But it was a selfless task. It was a sacrificial act of Love because Jesus thought we were worth it. Love takes commitment and it takes work. Love it not just a feeling but it is a choice. I choose to love you every day because love saved me. I choose in the best days and the worst days to love you because Love decided I was worth it. I may not know who you are but I love you and I think that you are worth it. Do not let the words of yesterday destroy your path of tomorrow.

As a single Christian woman, I made a decision about a month and a half ago that today I would be spending my day with the Lover of my Soul. So after my doctors appointment and after a lovely brunch with my beautiful mother and fantastic sister I headed off to Daytona Beach for the day....alone. Go ahead, call me crazy. When I told a few people I was going to the beach alone to spend the day with Jesus a few people looked at me like I was on drugs. I was even told "how depressing..." a few times. But the truth is---it was not depressing in the least bit but rather all satisfying for my soul. What better way to spend Valentines Day than soaking in the Love of the One who knows my hearts deepest desires? I have been needing an encounter with my Savior. He is the only one who can satisfy the longing in my soul. And let me tell you something my heart was truly satisfied today.

It always amazes me how God can know every little heart string, every fiber of my being and every desire inside of me. He chooses to romance my heart and pursue me. It takes my breathe away knowing the Creator of the Universe desires intimacy with me. I pulled up to the beach and as soon as I walked down to the shore the wind began to howl and the waves began to crash. Immediately, chills rushed down my spine and I felt the Holy Spirit standing there next to me. I put my headphones in and turned on worship music and "Oceans" by Hillsong was the second song on shuffle. When Oceans came on I stared at the waters and just knew I was not at the beach alone but the Lover of my Soul had joined me. It was a really awe inspiring moment because the name of this blog (Upon the Waters) is from that specific song and I was completely overwhelmed by His love. I took a deep breathe of the fresh air and started to walk down the beach when all of a sudden I saw hundreds upon hundreds of birds lining the shore. It was strangely odd--yet beautiful. I stood in utter amazement and watched the birds for 15-20 minutes. Something about the birds gave me peace. One thing I noticed about the birds as I watched was that the birds stayed on the shore line right by the water, except for a few daring birds (the tiny ones who run really fast) who would run away for awhile but would come right back to the flock. The birds were like a huge family and they were all free to soar. In my prayers, I laughed and asked God "why birds?" and I just started speaking my answer verbally. I knew when I would come to the beach today that God would give me a gift to romance my heart and I guess he chose birds. That's why I laughed because birds are so simple, they poop on people while they're flying in the air and they can be pretty annoying at times. So once again, why birds? But as I began to audibly speak (which I'm sure the people on the beach thought I was a psychopath) the answer clicked in my heart and in my spirit. During this time of the year birds tend to migrate to the south for the winter, which completely explains why currently hundreds of them line the Florida beaches. They are uprooted from the comfort of their homes for a season in order to survive the brutal Northern Winters. Birds are forced to travel hundreds of miles to escape the one thing that is destroying their happy home, the freezing temperatures. They come to the South in order to survive and so they soar. These birds are free to fly and they have to trust that even when they are uprooted from the familiar that the unfamiliar will be safe. They have to trust they are going to a place of "better". This unfamiliar place may be scary, but the birds don't go alone. Birds were never meant to go to the unfamiliar alone. They are always together. They soar together. They face the challenge of the unfamiliar together. They survive together. They trust together.

I honestly believe that God is preparing me to be a bird and to be uprooted from the familiar and to go into the unfamiliar. He has been challenging me to just trust Him to provide. I may not always know the answers, I may be that little bird that wants to escape the rest of the birds because I'm stubborn as anything but if I trust Him to be my guide and to lead me I will never go down the wrong path. The unfamiliar won't be that scary. I will trust Him to be my survival, even when I want to stay where I am because it's comfortable. God wants to uproot me and bring me to a place where I soar high on eagles wings. A place where even though I fear it, God teaches me to fly by kicking me out of the nest. He wants to bring me to a place of "better" but birds need other birds. It's been really encouraging how God has recently brought certain people into my life to speak life into my heart. I have been truly blessed. Now, I don't know exactly what God is telling me through all of this but I do know that I'm on a journey and that I need to be okay with whatever path He has for me, I have to allow Him to uproot my own desires and transplant the desires of His heart within me. I have to soar, there is no other option.

So for my finals words on this beautiful Valentines Day I just want to tell you to walk the beach. Fly the ocean shores. Be a bird. But remember you are not alone. You are loved unconditionally. You are worth it. You are beautiful in every single way. Today is your day! Love continually. Pray often. Move forward. It's time to soar.

Happy Valentines Day. I hope this day has been as beautiful as you are!

Focus and the Cross

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.- Proverbs 4:25

When a new year starts and an old year ends I find myself reflecting on my life. I am a firm believer in setting goals, making aspirations and setting dreams. Believing in the impossible and seeing it turn into reality is one of the most beautiful miracles of life. For this reason, 2014 is my year of choosing to truly focus on my dreams. You see, God placed this dream in my life and I have been comfortable in the place I am rather than adventuring out into the unknown. 

For so long I have felt like a failure in my walk with Christ. I can walk the walk and talk the talk, but I feel as though there is something internally missing inside of me. There is this deep desire for intimacy with my creator and I have been stagnant and comfortable in the motions of life. Somewhere along the lines I have lost my focus. 

Have you ever put a spoon inside of a glass of water?

Seriously though, have you? Because I have…many many times. I am always amazed at how unfocused and how distorted the spoon becomes when you put it inside the water and move it around inside the glass. What was seems to no longer be. It’s a mind trick actually because the refractions of the water make the spoon look like a different size. It magnifies it. It causes it to be unfocused. 

In the same way, my life has been the spoon in this glass called life. I have been in the haze and I have felt so lost, distorted, unfocused. I have felt like what I was meant to be doing, where I was supposed to be, I was not actually doing. I have felt lost. I have felt confused. I have felt the way you feel after you spin in circles a million times and try to walk a straight line. 

Dazed and Confused

Through everything, I’ve realized one thing, life is still beautiful. Every step, every obstacle is set in my path to make me stronger so that I can overcome and grow. I am stronger each day. Even when I feel broken, when I feel like a mess I can have peace knowing that as my good friend David Allen recently spoke into my life “Brokenness is not a bad thing. It lead you right to the feet of Jesus, where you find everything you need. And God loves messy people they have always been the ones he uses.” And I may be messy, but Lord use me!

Recently, I found out my best friend has chronic liver disease. Talk about shattering my focus. Talk about instant brokenness. I have not been able to even function properly because it was the absolute last thing I thought was wrong with her. We were prepared for kidney issues, we were prepared for anything to do with PCOS, and we were prepared for endometrioses and even the possibility of ovarian cancer. She had done the research with her symptoms and liver disease had never even come up in the list and to our blind surprise that is what she has been diagnosed with. I didn’t know how to handle it and I didn’t show any real emotions at the time but I’ve been a wreck.  But if there is one thing I know, it is that Jesus is greater than any news the doctors may give us. He is the true Physician. He is Healer and even during this time of uncertainty, I can trust that God has Samantha in His hands. So in the end, my focus hasn’t been shattered, it’s been redirected to the Cross. My focus has been redirected to the feet of Jesus where I will find everything I need.

2014, is my year of choosing to refocus my eyes on the Cross. It is at the Cross that I will find all that I need…as the old hymn says:

At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now I am happy all the day!

The Wanderer

Somewhere in a dark lonely room there are bloodshot eyes of the hopeless screaming just to be heard. There are tears being shed, there are bruises and scars that no one will be able to comprehend. There are wounds and battles that even those closest to them are unable to grasp. It is in these moments that the hopeless, the wanderers feel as though hope has escaped. It is in these moments that peace and joy seem distant. It is in these moments that victory and freedom are only a fantasy, a story told to make those wanderers feel alive in a moment of utter destruction. So this is for the wanderers, for the lost and for the searching because you are loved beyond all reason.

My heart beats for the wanderers.  Many do not know but for the longest time, I was a wanderer in a world filled with people who seemed to know who they were, where they were going and what they wanted in life. I don’t talk about my pains often because it makes me feel weak. But I know what pain is. I have experienced heartache.  I have been broken. I have been a wanderer.

Today I am healed. I have the joy of Lord and I take steps each day to continue to live in the victory that Christ gave me. “I am free to struggle, I am not struggling to be free”. When I received the peace that one day at the lake, I decided to keep moving forward. My past would no longer haunt me.  I would no longer hide behind the faux mask of happiness but my smile would be genuine. I would be authentic. I would live life in beauty. I would find the wanderers and I would walk with them, because no wanderer should ever be alone….

Wander (v)- To move about without a definite destination or purpose, to lose clarity or coherence of thought or expression.

Have you ever been driving and all of a sudden realized where you were and didn’t remember how you got there? You were unable to recall driving there the entire distance? In psychology there is a phenomenon that is similar to hypnosis with driving. It is actually pretty scary! Our minds become fully focused elsewhere while at the same time directly processing the masses of information needed to drive safely which causes us to have no recollection of the actual event. In a way, our minds wander off and we are left with road hypnotism. It is as though we drove our car in a zombie-like state, unable to recall how, where, when or what the last few minutes may have actually entailed. In those few moments you were a wanderer, you lost clarity. Imagine that experience being your life. Imagine living life being unable to recall how you got to where you were today. Imagine being lost, confused, in a haze. Imagine feeling as though you’ve lost all purpose, destination and clarity….imagine being a wanderer in a world filled with people who have got it all figured out.

Being a wanderer can be thrill seeking at first because of the adventure of the unknown but every person desires a purpose. They desire to make a difference and to be heard in a world where our voices are easily shut out. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11

If you’re a wanderer, I want you to know that I love you and that you’re not alone. I remember when I was lost feeling as though no one could ever understand me and it’s true, no one will ever understand exactly how you feel because you are your own unique person and every person feels uniquely. No one can feel how you feel. No one can experience your situation how you experience your situation. But you are not alone in your journey. 

You are loved. You are cared for. You are cherished. You are valuable .You have purpose. You have direction. You have a plan. There is more.

Keep moving forward. Do not look back. Your yesterdays are over. Your tomorrows are bright and beautiful. Your past will not control you, define you or destroy you. 

“Today is a new day. Don't let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!” ― Steve Maraboli

Continue to live life in the beauty you were created to live. You are more beautiful than you can ever imagine.

Not Good Enough

"You are not good enough."

"Why are you doing that? I am disappointed in you!"

"You are not good enough."

"You are not what I want...there is someone better."

"You are not good enough."

"You are a disgrace and an embarrassment to me."

"You are not good enough."

"You should act this way instead..."

"You are not good enough."

"Why are you wearing that?!"

"You are not good enough."

This simple phrase "you are not good enough" is one of the biggest lies that Satan uses against us. The lie stems back to beginning of creation--in the Garden of Eden. When Eve was tempted by the serpent to eat the forbidden fruit, it was not that the fruit itself tempted her, it was the lies of "God is holding something back from you! You are not good enough for God..." that satan whispered in her ear. Eve craved acceptance, she needed to be good enough and so the lie crept in. We tend to believe that we are not good enough and we allow others to feed into this insecurity through words that are said. There is a misconception that being "good" is synonymous with "perfect". When living up to this expectation of perfection we are held captive to living life in a specific manner that is acceptable and pleasing to the world we live in. If you do not act or behave in a manner that is socially acceptable we are deemed "not good enough". If our actions, thoughts and composure are not culturally the norm we are considered "not good enough". This causes us to live in a constant state of insecurities which overtime has caused dirt, grim and rust to build up around our hearts. As our hearts have become used, bruised and abused we have become numb to the unending, perfect love that Christ gives us daily. We have tricked our minds into being satisfied with what the world offers over the freedom found in Christ. However, when looking into the heart there is brokenness, bitterness, destruction, doubtfulness, pain, anger, hatred and even numbness that has caused an impenetrable wall of sin, condemnation and slavery. As a slave to sin, we do what the sinful nature desires over the spiritual desires (Romans 7-8). The problem with this wall is it makes it difficult for love to come in and offer healing and hope. It makes communication with God difficult because of the unwillingness to open our hearts. We allow pain to cause us to live as a prisoner while neglecting the freedom given in Christ. As a victim myself of the "not good enough" voices that run through my head on a daily basis, I have learned that I am not made good by my actions, thoughts and words, I am made good through the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ. I am a sinner who is set free from the bondage of sin not because of what I have done but because of what He did for me on the Cross. Jesus decided with every drop of blood, every scar and every nail that pierced through His hands that we were worth it. He chose to take the burden of the Cross so that we could have freedom from the "not good enough". Yet, we still refuse to accept the grace given to us each day. It makes me think of someone drowning and someone else consistently trying to offer them a flotation device. Since you are drowning, the only option to survive is to grab hold of what is being offered. Yet, you choose to drown instead of accepting salvation from the waters. In the same way, we reject the Truths of God and exchange them for the lies of the enemy which keeps us stuck in the "not good enough". When you choose to live life upon the waters, you realize that the waters will not always be smooth. The rains and winds will come and waves will come crashing in. But if you have Jesus, no matter where He puts you in your season, you have peace. If Jesus is in the storm, thats where your greatest peace will be. My challenge for you is to accept the truth that without Christ no one is good, not one person. But we are made good because of what He has done for us. To those of you who feel you are not good enough, whatever the reason may be, please realize that you are more. You are beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are victorious. You are a world changer. Seasons do not last forever and the sun will shine again. The birds will sing, the flowers will grow and your broken heart will feel again. Until next time, live loved, be beautiful, sing at the top of your lungs and realize every day is a blessing. 

Give Me Faith

Tonight, I am in awe at the goodness of our Lord. As I lay down tonight, I have become engulfed with His Love. As I was sitting in my bed, Give me Faith by Elevation Church came on and all I could do was sit there and soak it all in. All I am, I surrender to You, Lord.  I give You my past, I give You my hurts, I give You my weakness, I give You my inabilities, I give You my brokenness, I give You my fears, I give You my future, I give You my insecurities….I give it all to You. I give You my life. Just give me faith in every situation to know that You have it all under control. I’m broken inside and I give You my life. I may be weak, Lord but YOU are stronger. You are all I need.

Give Me Faith- Elevation Church

Give Me Faith

 

Verse: I need you to soften my heart To break me apart I need you to open my eyes To see that You're shaping my life

Pre-Chorus: All I am, I surrender

Chorus: Give me faith to trust what you say That you're good and your love is great I'm broken inside, I give you my life

Verse 2: I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

 I need you pierce through the dark And cleanse every part of me

Chorus

Bridge: I may be weak Your spirit strong in me My flesh may fail My God you never will (repeat) 

Verse: I need you to soften my heart To break me apart I need you to open my eyes To see that You're shaping my life

Pre-Chorus: All I am, I surrender

Chorus: Give me faith to trust what you say That you're good and your love is great I'm broken inside, I give you my life

Verse 2: I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

 I need you pierce through the dark And cleanse every part of me

Chorus

Bridge: I may be weak Your spirit strong in me My flesh may fail My God you never will (repeat)