Fear No Evil

 “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”- Nelson Mandela 

I made a joke the other day that the reason I hate “scary” movies and Halloween time is because of this one Christmas when my cousins wrapped me in a huge Christmas box and told me to jump out and scare my Uncle. When I went to do that my Uncle screamed BOO and I ended up hysterical. Instead of me scaring him, he scared me so bad that all I could do was cry (take in mind, I was a little kid). It wasn't the fact he said boo that frightened me, it was the fact he jumped at me when he said it and I was not prepared for that at all. But that’s the funny part, are we ever prepared when we get frightened? I think a lot of my fears have to do with being unaware or unprepared for a situation. I guess you can say I have a fear of being afraid. But as I type this, I am realizing that even when I feel like situations are not in my control, that God has His gracious hand on every detail of my life.  And that is something I am learning every single day.

One of my biggest fears in this world is being a disappointment or failure in my life. I guess you could say I can be a little prideful when it comes to never disappointing and never failing. I feel as if I should always have things figured out and that I should always make the best/right decisions. When that does not happen it is really difficult for me because I feel inadequate. I struggle with this need to live up to the expectations others have of me, while at the same time not caring what others think at all. I know that kind of contradicted itself but let me explain.

I feel huge pressure to always have everything put together in my life because I see the hurt in others and God uses me to bring hope and restoration through the love of Christ. I am typically very happy, positive and smiley but I really struggle with showing when I am not. I grew up with a father who drilled into me that I need to be who God created me to be and to not let other’s opinions of me dictate who I am. This has made me a glass half full type of person and I have been able to be myself in situations where I have been given the stink eye because I am not exactly “normal”. The part that frightens me is when I AM myself , that myself will be a disappointment to others. I never want to be the cause of someone’s hurts, pains or anger. I never want to give advice or counsel that leads someone astray. I want Christ to shine through me. I want…I want…well here’s a newsflash, no one is perfect and the ONE who was, was deemed a criminal.

God has this tendency of smacking me in the face (which I deserve) and reminding me that even JESUS the son of God Himself showed His weaknesses.  When He was in the Garden of Gethsemane He prayed that if there was another way to do what He had to do to let it happen. He cried so hard that blood came from his tears. Imagine being Jesus, a man who was perfect, but in the eyes of many people was a disappointment. If in the eyes of man Jesus was a criminal, than I have no hopes of ever being seen as perfect and that is okay! I have extremely high expectations of myself and this is the main reason I struggle with disappointments and failures. A friend once told me that I give so much mercy to others that I neglect to remind myself I deserve mercy as well. I have no mercy for myself and when I fail I want to smack myself for not seeing how I could have done it better. God is really working with me on my insecurities and my lack-of-mercy for myself. Jesus died so that I could be FREE to struggle, not struggling to be free (thanks, Michael Donehey for that life changing statement).  We are already made free in Jesus Christ. He already paid the price. I have to realize that I am going to disappoint others. I am going to fail. But through my disappointments and my failures I can still bring Glory where Glory is due. In the words of my friend Michael Ha, I need to fear no evil. I really believe I am in a season of growth and conquering things that have been holding me back from where God wants me to be. I am in a new season. When the waves are coming against me, Jesus is holding my head high and leading the way through the waters. I am going to be fearless (props to Samantha for her conquering her own fears and challenging me to conquer mine, without her even knowing it).

What are some fears YOU struggle with? Remember that courage is not the absence of fear but taking that fear and conquering it. Without fear, there is no courage.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.- Isaiah 41:10